Bipolar and Anxiety: Walking the Tightrope
Identifying myself with bipolar disorder often feels like walking a high-wire tightrope. On one side, I never want mental illness to be my entire identity. On the other side, bipolar affects every aspect of my life.
This identity balancing act came front and center this week. A new friend called and asked me to take on a public speaking assignment. I'm happy to do public readings, and give them a few times a month.
As for free-form speaking, I've learned the hard way to avoid it. Now I know the dangers of standing at a podium without everything I need to say written out. Unscripted public speaking invariably results in severe panic attacks.
Panic attacks with bipolar
The last time I tried was a few years ago when I thought I was doing better. On that ill-fated day, my anxiety was already a 32 on a 1 to 10 scale. Yet, I was determined to fulfill my commitment.
Only 3 sentences into my talk, I knew I was in trouble. While breathing out seemed to work just fine, my lungs allowed less air in with every breath. Dozens of invisible belts wrapped around my chest, and every word spoken caused the belts to pull tighter.
Just 2 sentences later, I looked out at the audience in desperation. A friend saw the pain in my face and was already walking up to take my place. The world around me was dissolving into a bright white light. Somehow, I made it off the stage and to a small off at the back of the auditorium. Once through the door, I collapsed onto a hard-plastic chair, still struggling to catch my breath.
Public speaking triggers my anxiety
I never enjoyed giving talks. As a student, I did everything I could to miss public speaking assignments. More often than not, I accepted a lower grade rather than get up in front of my fellow students.
There were times, though, I did okay. Nervous or not, I would walk up to the podium, open my mouth, and all the right words would come out. I would even be funny. It felt like I became someone else for those few minutes. Some spirit took over my body and made it work in a way I thought was impossible.
This was before I found out I had bipolar 1 disorder at 23 years old. After my diagnosis, the personality shifts made more sense.
A new anxiety diagnosis along with bipolar
Even after I realized I was coping with bipolar, I continued public speaking, but each time felt a little harder.
In my late 30s, my doctor added generalized anxiety disorder to my ever-growing list of diagnoses. While I've learned to better manage my bipolar symptoms over the years, the anxiety seems to be progressively getting worse. I often feel like I'm losing the battle.
Sharing my story to fight stigma
The friend mentioned at the outset didn't know about my mental health concerns. No one had told him about the horrors of my on-stage breakdowns. He didn't know why I stopped giving talks several years ago. A piece of me didn't want him to know, because once people know, some never look at you the same way.
However, I'm not ashamed of my diagnosis. I share my story every week online hoping to spread awareness and decrease stigma. But there are times I want to hide my mental illnesses. I crave for an identity without bipolar or anxiety, so I'm slow to bring up mental illness with new people I meet.
Bipolar and anxiety are part of me
Love it or hate it, bipolar and anxiety are part of me. I may perform like an Oscar-winning actor, but the truth never goes away.
The way my mind works affects every decision and activity. So, I had to open up to my friend and explain why I was turning down the offer. Despite how much I desire to do more, I know my limitations. I also know the consequences of ignoring what my body is telling me.
Public speaking may be off the table, but I still have much to offer, including writing speeches for other speakers to deliver. Instead of getting lost in the weeds of despair, I'm focusing on what I can do. I'm also thankful my new friend understands enough not to pressure me.
Until next time, keep fighting.