My Misdiagnosis Story

I distinctly remember one Friday night 26 years ago. I remember it because of all the tears shed in front of my computer monitor. I remember it because it was the moment I figured out I had bipolar disorder. It was the start of my misdiagnosis story.

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At the time, I was beyond depressed. I was suicidal and self-harming. Everything was so hard, and I knew that my life was at risk – that was the only reason I agreed to soon see a psychiatrist. And in preparation, I wanted to learn more about this thing called "depression."

From what I knew about it, I thought people who were depressed were really sad, weak people who couldn’t handle life. I didn't have a high opinion of them or the illness. That was a product of my upbringing. I was taught you could always pick yourself up by your bootstraps if you really wanted to.

Do I have depression?

Initially, I looked at the computer screen with suspicion. But when I started reading the symptoms of major depression, I saw them all in myself. Then I went to another website and found the same thing. Then another, and another. I remember the sound of my printer printing off the most important pieces of information I had found.

Depression is a terrible thing, to be sure, but the information I had found said it could be treated successfully with antidepressants, which I wouldn't have to be on forever, and then I could just get on with my life. It's not what I wanted, but it seemed like something I could handle.

Or do I have bipolar disorder?

But then I saw this other related disorder: bipolar disorder.

I knew nothing about it, and I clicked on it to read more. That was when I discovered I had bipolar disorder. Yes, depression described where I was that day, but hypomania described where I had been on other days.

Hypomania is not as easy to detect

When I saw the psychiatrist, I told him I thought I had bipolar disorder. He seemed doubtful right off the hop. He asked me a bunch of questions – none of which I felt were aimed at detecting hypomania. His questions only seemed aimed at screening for depression or mania.

Mania has more noticeable symptoms than hypomania, and so tends to be easier to detect. Hypomania requires more careful investigation to spot. He didn't do that.

Misdiagnosed with depression

And at the end of a shockingly short interview, he diagnosed me with "minor depression." Much as it sounds, he explained "minor" depression is less severe than "major" depression. I knew this was wrong.

Even if I had been wrong about the bipolar diagnosis, I knew there was nothing "minor" about my depression. I was staring death in the face on a daily basis. I didn't understand how "minor" described that.

Desperate for a correct diagnosis

Ideally, I should have said something at the moment he said the words "minor depression." I should have asked him to explain his reasoning. I should have told him what symptoms made me disagree. I should have advocated for myself.

But I didn't. I was 20 years old, scared of authority figures, and didn't have one ounce of spare energy in me. Every bit of energy I had was being used to keep myself alive.

It delayed my treatment for bipolar disorder

That misdiagnosis cost me precious time, brought about incorrect treatments, and maybe even worsened my prognosis.

It could have been avoided if the psychiatrist had done his job better. It could have been avoided had he listened to me or probed more carefully. It could have been avoided if I had stood up for myself.

What I learned from my misdiagnosis

But I learned something through that experience. I learned that psychiatrists are not always right, and they don't always listen to their patients. I learned that while psychiatrists are the experts in mental illness, I am the expert in me.

I learned I needed to speak up, no matter what. And I learned that not speaking up could actually hurt me.

Misdiagnosis isn't our fault

It's not your fault if you're misdiagnosed, and it's not your fault if your doctor overlooks important facts. While you're not to blame, you, unfortunately, have the responsibility of setting it right.

In an ideal world, psychiatrists would always get it right, but they're human, and that's not the world any of us live in.

Do your research, ask your doctor questions

So, if you think you're misdiagnosed, do your research and have an open and frank conversation with your doctor. Try to understand how they made their decision and where they might have gone wrong. Or try to understand where you have gone wrong.

Either way, iron it out. Because if you think you've been misdiagnosed, something is wrong, and it needs to be fixed.