Let Me Be Sad

Sometimes I just need space to be sad. I am sad, but not depressed.

I feel it is important to start off with that information, because those living with bipolar are often put into one of 2 categories of emotions. We can be sad and not depressed, and we can be happy and not hypomanic/manic. I understand why my loved ones are worried though.

Experiencing a depressive episode with bipolar

Two years ago, my aunt passed away while I held her hand. After this happened, I experienced the longest depressive episode of my life. It was scary for me and for those around me. I was mentally checked out. I was a shell of who I was. I was operating on autopilot. I was angry, confused, paranoid, and afraid.

Once I came out of that depressive episode is when I started taking my bipolar diagnosis seriously. I started researching articles online, joining forums, and speaking with doctors. I made friends with others who live with bipolar successfully. I've since written a book, become a mental health advocate, and am speaker with the National Alliance for Mental Illness.

What might trigger my depression?

I say all this because it shows how far I have come in 2 years. I have learned and accepted living with bipolar. I have taught those closest to me as much as I can. I have learned my triggers and symptoms of hypomania and depression.

So naturally, when my dad recently passed away, I was worried and so were those closest to me.

Friends and family show concern

Was this going to trigger a depressive episode like the last death of someone I was close with did? Can I allow myself to experience sadness?

I have received worried phone calls from my best friend. I have watched my husband watch me with concern over how I will handle this. I have had family reach out to make sure that I am OK. I know they are all thinking the same thing.

Depression vs. sadness

I know they all are coming from a loving place since they have seen me at the deepest depths of depression. I understand how sadness can look like a symptom of depression, but it is just a symptom of being human.

I am going to experience human emotion regardless of if I have bipolar or not. It is important to not try and "fix" what isn't broken. Sadness doesn't always lead to depression.

Experiencing grief with bipolar disorder

The death of my dad is the hardest thing I have experienced in my entire life, but I know that I will be OK. I don't want to end up in a depression any more than my loved ones want me to. I have done a lot of self-work to handle things that are out of my control.

My dad used to tell me that when things are tough or we are sad to allow yourself to feel your emotions, but don't live there. Living there in the sadness is what turns into depression for me.

It's OK to feel my emotions

I am going to allow myself to feel sad when I need to feel sad, but will also remember that I don't need to live there. It is OK for me to also feel happiness for the memories that I will forever have. Allow yourself to feel your emotions and know that it doesn't have to be a bad thing.