"The Lost Years": Before Diagnosis and Recovery

I needed a good cry for quite a long time. I thought I was ready. It turns out you can plan a therapeutic cry just about as well as you can plan a depressive episode. That is to say, you can’t. A podcast made me cry. Super predictable.

It started with a question

The host asked a very simple question, or so it seemed on the surface. "When did you meet your oldest friend?" All of their answers were probably the same as most people. You know, the neighborhood or elementary kids. Maybe you moved and started over when you met them in middle or high school.

Those friendships were fostered during the coming of age years, those are people and friends you can return to whenever you need support. Their understanding and trust is built on a lifetime of experiences together.

Remembering life before my bipolar diagnosis

On the other hand, I met my close friends after college. This question reminded me of so many friends and family members with whom I've lost touch. And those who understandably stopped putting up with my shit over time.

I missed out on life while unknowingly living with bipolar disorder. Personally, I describe this time in my life before my diagnosis and recovery as "the lost years."

What did I lose to bipolar disorder?

It wasn't just friendships that I lost. There were internships, opportunities, further education, ideas, and just plain life that I missed out on.

Honestly, it didn't matter what it was, when it came up, or how great of a possibility there was of success. I had zero chance of it working out. Worst yet, I knew it, which only made things more isolating over time.

My friends got me through it

Now, just to clarify, I did meet my best friends well before I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. All of the credit goes to them. All of it.

I was lost, confused, drunk, angry, loud, loving, caring, sad, suicidal, rambling and so much more. These people somehow took it all in stride and did what they could to keep me involved. If it wasn't for their efforts and empathy, I would have let them slip through the gaps (chasms) consistently present in my life at the time.

Learning from those bad years

It wasn't just friends, either. I was a pretty bad partner/family member for a really long time, too. It was brutal. It still is brutal to think about.

It is very important to realize these lost years and to accept this truth in order to learn from it.

Before my bipolar diagnosis, I couldn't cope

Now, the important counterpoint. Was this my fault? No. Did I have a chance in hell when I was living with undiagnosed bipolar disorder, PTSD, and generalized anxiety? No. I had to drink copiously just to leave the house.

Could I have honestly thought about someone else enough to be a good friend when I was living in survival mode, obsessed with wanting to give up on life? No. I simply didn’t have the energy, focus, mental stability, or life skills to be a friend at all, let alone a functional member of society!

But not all was lost

It's important to remember that even though I still describe this time as the "lost years," not all was lost. I wouldn't be who I am today without all of those people and experiences before my diagnosis.

Good and bad, that part of life cannot be taken from me. It's more important to learn from it, to look back and model myself after those who stuck by me through the worst.

Learning from my mistakes, moving forward

The good news? By learning from those mistakes and readily apologizing, my relationships with friends and family have never been better! Being aware of my shortcomings in the past allows me to put special focus on them today.

I realized that the only thing that mattered to me going forward was one thing, proving that I loved them, that I would be there for them no matter what as they so graciously were for me.

All is not lost with bipolar

In showing vulnerability and asking for help, they not only let me back in, they trust me now more than ever. If we are lucky, and with a little perspective, life is longer than it seems.

I'm still learning from those "lost years" and incredibly excited for what is to come.