What is "Stability" with Bipolar Disorder?
What does it mean to be "stable" while living with bipolar disorder? Spoiler alert: I have absolutely no idea.
In recent months, I have thrown around terms like "pretty stable" and "recovery" when describing my journey of living with bipolar disorder. It made sense. Life is definitely better than it used to be and there needs to be a way of celebrating that and looking forward.
Is life ever fully "stable" with bipolar disorder?
Then I got super depressed. Like hard to move, not taking care of myself, depressed. The kind where I didn't take a shower for 3 days when I often shower twice. Needless to say, "stable" didn't feel like a good way to describe my life anymore...
Personally, words like "stable" or "recovery" seem to juxtapose with my reality. They do not accurately describe what it's like to live day to day with a serious mental illness. It felt like setting myself up for failure or creating false expectations or a false sense of security for those around me.
Additionally, I believe it led some of my loved ones, friends, and coworkers to forget that certain days, weeks, and months are still going to be really difficult.
It's too much to live up to
I think it's natural – and in many ways, beautiful – to want to look around and feel like everyone else. To say, "I live with bipolar, but everything is going really well and it will be like this forever." Unfortunately, for me and many living with bipolar disorder, this isn't going to be our truth. It's a lifelong condition and by definition, is not a stable existence.
That doesn't mean it has to be a miserable existence or that things are as bad as they ever were. Absolutely not. Life is pretty great a lot of the time and that is what needs to be celebrated. Each and every step forward has to be cheered.
Bipolar episodes are unpredictable
But so do the times when we fall backwards and have the resiliency to bounce back from episodes. Our ability to limit the severity of symptoms and revive hope more quickly in the darkest moments is incredible progress! When I read that sentence back, we need to give ourselves a whole heck of a lot more credit than we do.
"Stability" isn't attainable
I made a video a couple of weeks ago explaining that I won't be using the words "stability" or "recovery" in any future videos and stand by that today. Again, for me, it doesn't feel genuine, or frankly, like an attainable, intelligent goal for myself.
Then a few people reached out about a clinical term that makes this whole conversation a whole lot easier. Sorry for burying the lede 😂...
What is "euthymia"?
Euthymia is a term that describes the periods of time between episodes while living with bipolar disorder. You know, those rare times (for me) when I'm not either teetering or full steam ahead towards hypomania or depression. And you know what? That's a great way to describe my life, and it feels safer and more genuine.
Sure, it might take a bit more time to explain what "feeling euthymic today" or "in a nice little state of euthymia right now," but it's more accurate and prepares us for the inevitable swing up or down at some point in the future.
"Living in recovery with bipolar disorder"
Sharing your life with the public is weird. Sorry, it just is. I felt like I hit a point where I needed to keep making progress, to be that shining example of doing everything the right way and "living in recovery with bipolar disorder." I was wrong. Dead wrong.
I need to be authentic or there's no point. It doesn't do anyone a damn bit of good to put a silver bow on life with bipolar. However, we do need to enjoy those times where things are a bit more even and understand the next episode doesn't mean we failed or live poorly with bipolar.
Actually, euthymia sounds good to me...
We should still share our stories and still thrive to be leaders in this field. We are experts by lived experience and that authentic experience, good or bad, is what I'll share.
Meanwhile, I'm looking forward to my next dalliance with euthymia, we're gonna have a great time.