Medication is the Foundation of Recovery
No one wants to move back in with their parents at 30 - no one. Oftentimes, this actually turns out to be one of the best decisions one can make. It gives you time to reset and provides a little extra support when it is most needed. I had the same experience; except, like usual, it was rather short lived and had the same excruciating results.
I did not understand periods of success
It wasn’t until I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Complex PTSD (CPTSD) and learned about the symptoms years later, that these intermediate stretches of perceived improvement became obvious. They were brief respites from depression where my mood shifted to euthymia (relative stability) or hypomania.
Each of these stretches of what looked like “growth”, “maturity” or “growing up”, were doomed to failure as there was no real foundation for my improvement. It was either the natural progression of bipolar moods or due to external factors. In this case the external factors included moving home and having my support network immediately available, financial and home stability, and basic expectations. My parents even found a therapist for me to see. Unfortunately, it didn’t hold.
The impact of prescribed opioids
About 4-5 months after moving home, two things happened. First, I enrolled at the local University to obtain my teaching certificate. Next, my tooth became infected and was prescribed and opioid medication for pain. This led to a return to blackouts, gambling marathons and abusing the pain medication. In sum, even the best laid plans and network couldn’t stop bipolar disorder.
Eventually, a few years later, I met a girl and convinced myself through another period of euthymia and hypomania that the time had come for me to move in with her. This, um, also didn’t go well. The story repeated. And again after that. It was always the same; terrible crash, short period of respite and sobriety (days to a 2-3 months), then brutal crash and deeper depression. This all came to a head in 2019 when luck and a need for hope or a conclusion led to my diagnosis and recovery.
Finding the right treatment
What changed? A couple of good mental health professionals and most importantly, medication. Did it happen right away, or overnight? No! It took almost two years and building up my dosage levels to see any meaningful change. It took not drinking, adding therapy, practicing self-care and learning skills. But over time, things started to get better and a feeling I’ve never before felt started to show glimpses of itself: confidence.
Sure, there are some side effects that suck. The dehydration that accompanies my medication is the worst of it for me. As someone who works out, it is nearly impossible to stay hydrated and is a constant worry. There was a 1-2% chance of a serious reaction that thankfully didn’t occur. However, my psychiatric Advanced Practice Nurse Prescriber (APNP) took over 30 minutes to explain this and I asked as many questions as possible as someone who preferred to take no pills.
The impact of my bipolar medication
Five and a half years later and if I forget to take my medication, it’s apparent within 36 hours. After taking it, life becomes more manageable and the symptoms (shaking, constant discomfort, sweating, nervousness, etc..) begin to lift. If I’m fortunate, I hope to take this medication the rest of my life, without question.
The best part is that once you accept that mental illness is, in fact, an illness that affects the largest and most important organ in our body, it’s a no brainer (sorry)! If you have a liver condition, we don’t question medication, it saves our life! Well, so does my mood stabilizer. While it wasn’t a cure-all, my active suicidal thoughts began to subside rather quickly and started blacking out less. It was a start and provided another layer of hope.
Without medication, I’d lose most of that hope. It’s not due to a weakness or lack of will. It’s because my brain does not function in the way that allows me to access the best of myself without it. Yes, there are some downsides, but I’d much rather be alive and hopeful than live a life of survival. For me, it’s an easy choice and one that no one should interfere with.